Feeling like butter spread over too much toast...

I think about my life where I currently stand and think to myself, "Krystle, you have it pretty easy kid." And I do. I stay at home with my son and for the most part, I enjoy it. Having an occupation that doesn't pay monetarily can get a bit taxing, especially when it comes to bits that I want for personal use. The pair of $200 shoes I've been eyeing? Forget them! Charlie isn't stingy with his money, but he sure does budget in a way that I find a tad stifling. I've been working on medical transcription out of the home, but the testing and training is far more difficult than I anticipated, and it's frustrating to get so bloody close to passing all the tests only to fail the last one and have to return to training. (With this program, one has to pass 3 tests consecutively in order to qualify for live, paid work.) There are so many things that I really want right now. And I know that when a woman becomes a mother, she is to put her child first. But I'm of the belief that a well-cared for mommy makes for a well-cared for child. Ethan never wants for anything. I'm sure I could do more in the way of reading, getting down on all fours and wrestle around more, and things of that nature, but being at home with him all day, I feel like I don't have to try as hard as other mommies to make up for the lost time that I would be at work.

However, there is a problem with being home with him all day. I feel like I sometimes get too much of a good thing. I know, I know! It sounds awful, even to write it. I feel like I'm such a bad mommy sometimes. I listen to other mothers talk about this wonderful bond they feel to their children; I feel like I'm tied to an anchor and I'm sinking with it. Don't get me wrong; I love my son. I DO feel that bond with him, but he makes me want to pull my hair out!!!!!!! I've gotten a lot more laid back since I've had him and I pick my battles, but his whine and the way he says "momma" when he wants my attention makes me skin crawl. Am I lacking the mommy chip? Or am I like every other SAHM?

This strain (and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that he's also 2 years old....) coupled with the fact that I'm not pulling in anything financially makes me feel like such deadweight in this family. I look at myself and wonder what I truly bring to the table. I keep the apartment clean, cook dinner almost every single night, clean up the dishes, mom the floors, do the grocery shopping, the cars filled with gas, etc. I do the things that he would have to pay someone else to do should he not do them. His uniforms are always washed and ready to wear. He always has clean underwear! I keep the bills paid. All he has to do is work. And there lies in the problem.

Charlie thinks that he has it so bad because he works. And I hate working. Anyone who knows me well will tell you how lazy I can be! But my only argument there is the fact that at the end of the day, Charlie can leave his post, come back home, put on a pair of comfy pants, and be done with his patients, the charts, the medications, everything. I, on the other hand, am literally "stuck at work" 24/7. True, I can go out and go shopping, run errands...but ultimately, I come back HERE. EVERY night. EVERY day. These walls are closing in around me. I know I need to get out and meet new people; it's incredibly hard to do so in Fayetteville. I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. It's so hard to find people who are willing to put in the time to make quality friendships because many of us know they are temporary. And I also realize we should find a church. But Charlie really isn't keen on one, and I am not developed enough in my spiritual maturity to make that journey on my own. I perhaps can change that in the months and years ahead. We'll see. My family is spiritual; you would think that sort of thing is genetic or something.

At the end of the day, I just feel spread too thin. I feel like Charlie looks at me and my impatience with Ethan when he's writing with his nasty mash potato fingers all over the windows I just Windexed a few hours before, and he thinks my fuse is too short. And it very well could be. I could pick my battles. But Ethan is a smart boy. He knows when he's doing right and wrong. He's smarter than I ever give him credit for, for sure. I want to do things and see people. I want so many things, and that makes me feel incredibly selfish. I miss my friends. I miss the freedom I had while he was gone. And by NO means does that mean I wish him gone again. I just wish that "come and go as I please" freedom. No questions (except from my mother and occasionally my sister) about who, where, when, or why. It didn't matter. But now, it's always why? When? We don't have enough money. It always comes down to money. But I suppose that is a blog for another time.