A New Day

Christmas was fantastic. We had a great time with mom and dad and my sister, her husband, and their three kids. How fantastic that Ethan and Riley can grow up so close to the farm and their cousins. (We have to work on getting to see the other set.) I am doubly blessed to have parents that want me to come around and help me so much with my children.

Over the course of the festivities at my Aunt's house on Saturday, I came to a startling realization - not only do I expect entirely too much of my child(ren), I also expect entirely too much of myself. Okay, so they both missed their naps and were pretty whiny (well, Ethan mostly. Riley was fine as long as she was held.). Ethan was having a clingy night, and if I walked more than three feet from him, he freaked out. And I was so worried about everyone else's opinion of my son and me as a mother, that I started to internally freak a little, too. I felt like everyone's eyes were boring in me wondering why my son was so poorly adapted to life and why my eyes were brimmed with tears every time I turned around. I was so overwhelmed, and it's MY own fault!! (Missing the snot out of my husband didn't help matters at all either.)

Not only does my family NOT expect me to be supermom, but they also want to help. Of course they all say "we've been there. We understand." And to an extent, I am glad they try to see things through the eyes of a young mother, but on the other hand, NO ONE else in the family has done it with one child through one deployment and now two through another. I'm not undermining anyone else's challenges with their own families and children. I'm merely pointing out a huge difference in the "been there" category. This is a special challenge that only military spouses can REALLY relate to...(and mostly only Army wives, because the Army has the longest deployments out of all the branches of service.)

My cousin's wife wrote me a simple, yet very affirming note that really put thing in perspective for me. I am doing the best that I can with what I've been given. Of course I signed up for this life when I married a man in the Army. Of course deployments are a part of his job. But I think, as a mother, I tend to sell myself short. I do an incredible amount for these children. They are properly clothed, fed, bathed, taken to the doctor, loved, and educated in the best way I know. Could I improve? Most definitely. I think there are days when all mothers, stay-at-home or otherwise go to bed at night and think, "I could have done better today." But each day we wake is just another chance to improve. There are days when I think, "Charlie would NEVER be able to do all this!" And perhaps, on some level, I am right. I went to the grocery store today with Ethan and Riley in a Baby Bjorn in 30 degrees, and it was easy. It was just another trip to the store; Charlie couldn't do that. He WOULDN'T do it without me. I change diapers basically with one hand with a baby who wants to constantly roll over. I can talk on the phone, hold Riley, and chop carrots all at once. I do my transcription training on the computer while Riley wiggles in my lap and chews on my sleeve while not missing a beat. I can go on and on about the stuff I CAN do, but instead, I choose to focus on the things I CANNOT, or at least, think I can't. I think there is great strength to be found in me, but I haven't had the guts to show it to MYSELF. I think other people see it. I think when people say, "I don't know how you do this!" they mean it. So, I will make myself a list of 10 random things I think I do well and hopefully, on days when I've feeling a little...less than ideal, I'll come back to this and remind myself of how on top of things I AM!!

1. I keep bathrooms cleaner than most janitors who are paid to do so. And with a toddler who is
still learning the art of "aim," this is a huge feat.
2. I move furniture and vacuum underneath it.
3. I can wash the heck out of a car.
4. I can make my crying toddler or infant stop within 10 seconds of holding them. (A blessing
AND a curse!)
5. I make a mean pot roast.
6. I am very educated and well-read.
7. I can make fun of myself.
8. I love my children and make sure they are well-rested. Their lives thrive off their routine
and they're happier because of it.
9. I am on the way to achieving a work-at-home position.
10. I am among the Silent Ranks, and I support my husband when he is away.

So there are some things I think I do pretty well. It's a generic list, but hey, life as a stay-at-home mom has some generic-type days.....